After deciding she wanted to deal with the challenges of her parents’ divorce. Lisa Lickona, in her article “The ‘Homelessness’ of Divorce,” wrote that she ran into a problem. She discovered that she’d “made a deep habit of “un-remembering” certain things.”1 Lisa says, she had “surrounded my memories with a protective layer of bubble wrap.”
Trauma can create repression of memories, and parental divorce can be traumatic, but Lickona’s article reminded me of another problem. I’ve found with myself and many adults with divorced parents, we can repress the good memories with the bad ones.
My healing journey started over 20 years ago. When I began processing through the impact of my parents’ divorce, seemingly every positive memory in my childhood after the divorce was gone. The file was empty. I had to work very hard to find more than a few fragments.
I remember riding my bike a lot. There’s memories of playing with friends, dancing with my mom and sisters to Motown, and jumping double-dutch. Yes, I could jump rope double-dutch. When you’re in a house with an urban-reared mother and two sisters I guess you learn—and I was good! Unfortunately, the memory pieces I could find often had a layer of “divorce dust” on them. “Well, that was fun, BUT…”
However, maybe you’re asking, “Why would I want to look back?” Here’s a few reasons.
- First, looking back, in the majority of cases, helps us see that good things did happen—even after the divorce. For most of us, it’s a lie to believe it was all or mostly bad.
- Second, while the research confirms that a lot of the post-divorce negative stuff contributes to who and how we are today, so do the positive things—and it’s likely that there were many more of them. Resurrecting those memories is shining light on the roots of our strengths, likes, and pleasures.
- Third, relationships are probably mixed in with some of those faded memories. These people memories can be fun, encouraging, and connecting.
- Lastly, but most important, only focusing on the negative can distort our view of God. People tend to say, “Where was God” when things go south, but too often they don’t acknowledge God in the sunshine and rainbows. 1 Thess. 5:18 says, “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” NLT. Thankfulness is a matter of the will sometimes, but is easier when we can see God’s faithfulness in the good and the bad.
So, do you struggle finding positive memories from your post-divorce childhood? Here are some helps:
- Pray for God to help you remember positive things that occurred.
- Ask a relative to help you find some of the pieces.
- Try to find childhood pictures without divorce dust on them. Sometimes we have to blow the dust off them to see the beauty underneath.
- Ask your parents—if you feel comfortable doing so.
Make this a day where you carefully, prayerfully, peel back some of the bubble wrap, and re-member the good that has gone un-remembered.
1The ‘Homelessness’ of Divorce,” Lisa Lickona from Torn Asunder edited by Margaret Harper McCarthy.