How does that title resonate with you? Agree? Disagree? Not sure? For adults with divorced parents, this statement can mean freedom from the bondage of the fear of abandonment or rejection.
One of the big challenges adults with divorced parents face is not reverting to fight or flight when others are upset. In relationships when others are upset it can trigger the “c o n f l I c t equals d i v o r c e” programming. Besides this axiom being, flat-out, untrue, it puts us at odds with the inevitable: people will get upset, and conflict will happen.
Jack and Judith Balswick, authors of “The Family” write, “Conflict is to be expected when two distinct and unique individuals express themselves equally. Marriage without conflict often signifies that one partner has given up personhood.”1 Unfortunately, to avoid conflict/divorce ADP will give up their “personhood” to keep the peace.
However, this peace is fragile because when we always give up our desires for others or agree when we really disagree, or go along when we’d rather stay home, unhappiness, bitterness, discontent, and anger can brew. Eventually that anger erupts, and we’re neck deep in the very conflict we were trying to avoid!
But now our spouse is really upset because “you always overreact.” (And we do.) But this really fires up the fear of abandonment and our internal voice screams, “THIS IS IT! I knew this day would come! They’re going to leave!!”
Sound familiar? If your parents are divorced, probably. But you’d be surprised at the bewildered looks I get from those without divorced parents when I teach this. “It’s just a conflict. Yes, I might be upset, but I’m not leaving!” Yup. Absolutely true. But ADP have to first recognize that bad programing and then accept the truth that conflict does NOT equal divorce.
So what can we do?
First, acknowledge the fear—to yourself, to God, to your spouse.
- To yourself—because it is critical to acknowledge this virus in our programing and take steps to eradicate it.
- To God—since it is His truth that will enable you to break free from the lie. Romans 12:2-3 says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” NIV. Part of God’s will for us is that we would trust Him and not fear. Proverbs 29:25 says. “Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the Lord means safety.” NLT
- To your spouse—since they are the ones most likely to trigger the fear-response. It’s important for them to know what you’re struggling with. That way when emotions rise, they can cool your fears with words like, “I’m really mad right now and hurt, but I love you and I’m not going anywhere. We’ll get through this.”
And you will!
1 The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home, Jack & Judith Balswick.